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Michelle Moistened Bint

Joined: 28 Oct 2004 Posts: 10233 Location: At my desk
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Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 9:41 pm Post subject: Dilemma - Any Advice |
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Okay, so I know I've ranted about my father and his child-bride before but I have no idea what to do about something.
I received an email last night from Victoria. Yes, that's right. The child-bride that I have never had any contact with and only learned about through my aunts. It was a group email to my father's two sisters, my brother and myself.
Quote: | Hello this is Vicky. John has made me my own email so I can keep in touch with you.
Please reply to me.
Vicky |
I haven't told my mother because it probably will upset her, and she'll go on and on about it.
(Bloody hell, she keeps talking to me and walking into my room while I'm trying to type this. )
Anyway, I have a little contact with my father but don't particularly want to have any contact with the child-bride. I'm also worried that I will reply and rant and tell her so and that will cause another argument between me and my brother. We've already had a fight about her, that ended with him calling me hard and bitter because I don't approve of the age difference. I know it isn't her fault, and she probably doesn't know how badly he treated us over the years, and I probably have no right to bring it all up to her anyway.
It took me quite a while to be able to handle the ex and his various girlfriends, so I've no doubt I'll eventually get over this too but not yet.
I've posted this because I have a lot of respect for quite a few people here, and I would appreciate some non-emotionally involved unbiased advice. It's also nice to have a male point-of-view sometimes because I don't really know any males socially in RL (family dramas, and wariness due to a couple of nasty experiences after the ex left).
What the heck do I do? Do I reply or not?
Also, she's got my email address as 'Meshelly anak john'. (Meshelly child of john)
Hardly a child, considering I'll be 45 in March and she's in her early 30s.  _________________ My brain hurts.
Jammy's Brain Donor.
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JerWA Prince


Joined: 01 Jan 2007 Posts: 1497 Location: WA, USA
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BmfCb Prince


Joined: 26 Jun 2005 Posts: 1422 Location: Belgium
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Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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If i understand the situation properly, a rant is probably the last thing she needs right now.
It might be better to hold back for some time if you can't stop yourself.
How sure are you your ex is not reading the mail (or comes across it in the future?)
You can always keep the adress and reply at a later date.
Just MHO (i have no experience whatsoever with these situations, luckily)  _________________ A shrubbery is a joy forever
To boinc or not to boinc, that's the question
Ni!
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Michelle Moistened Bint

Joined: 28 Oct 2004 Posts: 10233 Location: At my desk
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Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 11:38 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry, I don't think I worded that very well.
This was an email from my ... er... child-bride stepmother that I've had no contact with at all. That's why I haven't told my mother.
I bet nobody else here has a stepmother who is 12 years younger than them.
Not a girlfriend/wife of my ex hubby. That doesn't bother me at all now.
I was pretty devastated about the first one, but after that....*shrug* In fact I got on quite well with the second one, a nice Thai lady. She stayed in touch with me and the kids for a while after my ex dumped her. I haven't met the latest one, a Filipina, but the kids think she is alright. It wouldn't bother me if I got an email from her. If we move to where we want to move to after I sell this house, we'll only be about an hours drive from her. I guess I'll meet her then. We can keep her company while the ex is overseas...which is most of the time.
See? I don't have a problem with the ex and girlfriends, but I don't know what to do about an email from my father's child-bride.
Silly, isn't it.
 _________________ My brain hurts.
Jammy's Brain Donor.
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BmfCb Prince


Joined: 26 Jun 2005 Posts: 1422 Location: Belgium
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 12:44 am Post subject: |
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(Sorry for the mixup) _________________ A shrubbery is a joy forever
To boinc or not to boinc, that's the question
Ni!
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Mildew KWSN ArchBishop


Joined: 13 Oct 2002 Posts: 2617 Location: Sweden
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 1:25 am Post subject: |
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Michelle wrote: | I bet nobody else here has a stepmother who is 12 years younger than them. |
Nope, but this is the first year it would be legal!
I'm getting old...
But I am younger than the child-bride!  _________________
An nescis, mi fili, quantilla prudentia mundus regatur? |
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Tenebra Prince


Joined: 16 Nov 2006 Posts: 2053 Location: Somewhere in the Outer Rim of a Galaxy far far away
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 4:46 am Post subject: |
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I've never been in similar situation, but you need to take your time Michelle. Just think a bit on it, before doing anything. My advice is to reply very politely, but with a distant tone. You could write something like the following:
Quote: | Thank you for the e-mail. I am sorry I didn't reply earlier, but I am quite busy these days. Hope you are well.
Kind Regards,
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However, do not close the door yet. You never know where that door leads, and it might be good for you, despite your current feelings. _________________
My Greek Blog: The Dark Side of the Force and Other Stories
My English Blog: Snippets and Other Stories from the Net |
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rotciv KOTHRT Prince


Joined: 20 Feb 2006 Posts: 1482 Location: USA
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:47 am Post subject: |
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My male point of view.
I can sympathize and understand your dilemma. I have been told by various relative that my Grandfather was a real bastard to my Grandmother, and when she passed away he married a younger woman. I only remember seeing him one time when I was very young. It is very sad that I did not get to at least meet him. My parents never took me around to see him or my step Grandmother. There is a lot of family history that I am missing. Grandfather came to the US early 1900’s from Germany, and now I am missing a lot of background information. On my we site I have posted the following phrase “LIFE IS SHORT, DEATH IS FOREVER, THEN IT'S TOO LATE TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY!”
It is a shame that some people cause a lot of pain and hurt to their relatives and love ones. It is always very hard to forgive, because we can never forget. You can always tell your children why you feel the way you do about your father and his new bride (lies, drink, abuse, etc.).You do not have to like what he did and you can convey that to you children (and father if you wish). You may never like his new young bride. Some people are going to be what they are and never change, but by being nice and saying a kind word to someone go a long way.
The above are my rambling thoughts.
 _________________ Sir Rotvic Knight of the Halfround Table
MAD, MAD I tell you.They're all MAD.
I am the only sane one here, my Doctor told me I was cured after the shock treatments. Big Brother Is Aways Watching.
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KWSN Sir CADCAM hoser


Joined: 27 Sep 2002 Posts: 7498 Location: South of Nunavuut
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:51 am Post subject: |
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Michelle, this is where you are.... 'On The Horns of a Dilemma' (looks very uncomfortable).
My best "Dear Aby" advice:-
1. Reply to all her emails in a timely fashion (4 or 5 days later at the minimum).
2. Reply in a 'point-by-point' fashion without proferring new information.
3. Be coureous but not gushing (use a reply 'tone' similar to an email you might get from the 'Tax Collector').
4. Emails are personal items, you have no need to share them with others if you don't want (this includes immediate family).
5. Don't forget to help by correcting ALL her spelling, grammar and email etiquette mistakes.
6. Most importantly, to ensure that her new email address gets well 'run-in', don't forget to include it in all of the 'chain-mail', 'forward-this-to-5-people-now, or-else' type messages, Oh, and, as she is new to the world of electronic messaging, you should submit her email address to all those great companies that send out offers via email, especially those for "Men's Products".
I hope this helps. _________________ KWSN Sir CADCAM of the Wooden Rabbit
"Semper In Excrementa" "Hominem Iniocosum Non Diffidite"
"Cîam en des sterko" "Havi ne malesperi personoj kiu havi ne kompreno humuro"
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mohrorless Mail Order Goat Bride


Joined: 09 Oct 2006 Posts: 11206 Location: NYC
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 8:28 am Post subject: |
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Ok. Here is my 2 cents worth. Read it then feel free to ignore it and/or send me the I'm # 1 smiley if you wish.
First take a deep breath. Relax a bit. Remember your beef is with your father and what he did to you & your family. Child-Bride did not have anything to do with it (I presume) so don't take your feelings for your father out on her!!!!!
I would definately reply - in fact use what Tenebra said. It sounded fine maybe customize it a bit. Take it slowly with her.
I don't know what has prompted this contact, maybe there is a reason for it.
Don't worry about your brother. I don't know if he is younger or older than you, or even what his relationship is with your father. You need to worry about you and your kids and how this will affect you guys.
Definately respond though. CAREFULLY WORDED!! You DO NOT want to start some war in the family because you did not respond or because you told her to f off.
Again Tenebra is right (wise lady, she is):
The wise and Nice Lady Tenebra wrote: | However, do not close the door yet. You never know where that door leads, and it might be good for you, despite your current feelings. |
Child-Bride might end up helping to repair the problems and help you and your father to be close again. Yes I know I'm getting Thwacked for even suggesting that. But you never know.
Hugs and all that! We're here for you!
John _________________ Fetch me the Holy Hand Grenade!
Keeper of the Unending keg of PGGBs
Taunter in Training
Campaign Manager for Sir Shrubbery
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Fart in your gen direxion I am the goatse.cx guy


Joined: 24 May 2002 Posts: 2022 Location: Regrettably for you, I'm Upwind in Upstate N.Y.
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 9:55 am Post subject: |
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Reply, be friendly, elicit her present location, then hunt her down and KILL her . |
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Sir Hamster of Elderberry KWSN ArchBishop

Joined: 20 May 2002 Posts: 5117 Location: Beer City, Cheese Quadrant
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 11:16 am Post subject: |
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Fart in your gen direxion wrote: | Reply, be friendly, elicit her present location, then hunt her down and KILL her . |
Make sure she signs up to be a Liver Donor first!
On a more serious note:
My male point-of-view is that Dad hasn't treated you or your family very well (putting it nicely) and doesn't deserve a chance to hurt you more. You should limit your contact to what you are comfortable with, and no more. Consider child-bride to be his latest victim.
I agree with the advice not to get upset or start a fight, not because you don't have anything to be mad about (you do), but because there doesn't seem to be any way to win. In fact, it could be that your Dad enjoys upsetting you (it's a power thing) and set up this email contact to do just that. Don't give him what he wants.
Dan |
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mohrorless Mail Order Goat Bride


Joined: 09 Oct 2006 Posts: 11206 Location: NYC
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 11:30 am Post subject: |
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Sir Hamster of Elderberry wrote: | In fact, it could be that your Dad enjoys upsetting you (it's a power thing) and set up this email contact to do just that. Don't give him what he wants. |
Interesting perspective. Hadn't thought of that.
She could be his latest victim. Without knowing anyone involved (except you Michelle), this seems like an awful lot to go through just to get to you. Maybe just another strange way of showing some sort of power over you.
Yes, play nice (Yes I know that doesn't sound right coming from me, but you gain nothing by sinking to the level of those you don't like (UNLESS you know of their exact where abouts and happen to have an angry rabbit on hand.....)). If you play nice any power he has over you is weakend. If he gets to you the power gets stronger.
Reply to the email, but don't do any more than you are comfortable with.
We're still here for you (besides there is really nothing else we have to do now anyway). Lean on us if you have to/need to.
John _________________ Fetch me the Holy Hand Grenade!
Keeper of the Unending keg of PGGBs
Taunter in Training
Campaign Manager for Sir Shrubbery
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Michelle Moistened Bint

Joined: 28 Oct 2004 Posts: 10233 Location: At my desk
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 12:05 pm Post subject: |
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Bm wrote: | (Sorry for the mixup) |
No problemo.
Bm wrote: | It might be better to hold back for some time if you can't stop yourself. |
Tenebra wrote: | I've never been in similar situation, but you need to take your time Michelle. Just think a bit on it, before doing anything. My advice is to reply very politely, but with a distant tone. You could write something like the following: |
Bm and Tenebra - Thanks. Your suggestion sounds like a good idea, Tenebra.
Mildew wrote: | I'm getting old... |
Oh, you poor old thing. Would you like me to get you a walker for your next birthday?
rotciv wrote: | I only remember seeing him one time when I was very young. It is very sad that I did not get to at least meet him. My parents never took me around to see him or my step Grandmother. There is a lot of family history that I am missing. |
rotciv, I'm sorry that you didn't get the opportunity to meet your grandfather. I was close to all my grandparents and have lots of happy memories of sleepovers, colouring books and pencils, and going fishing. Then again, not all grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren and do things with them, and your grandfather may have been like that. It's just a shame that you didn't even get an opportunity to find out one way or the other.
Sir CC wrote: | 6. Most importantly, to ensure that her new email address gets well 'run-in', don't forget to include it in all of the 'chain-mail', 'forward-this-to-5-people-now, or-else' type messages, Oh, and, as she is new to the world of electronic messaging, you should submit her email address to all those great companies that send out offers via email, especially those for "Men's Products". |
Oh, that's evil!
Nice pic, Sir CC. OUCH!
John wrote: | I don't know what has prompted this contact, maybe there is a reason for it. |
That's what I've been thinking too. I tend to worry about things a lot, and I know that my father has not been well for a while. The last time I actually spoke to him was when he rang from my aunt's house about six months ago. He got off the plane and went straight to the hospital because he was coughing up blood. Not good. He's also had liver problems, and then my aunt told me that he was back in September to have a lump cut off and didn't have the radiation treatments he was supposed to have. I don't want to care, because he never cared about us, but I can't help worrying that maybe she wants to have contact with us because he isn't well. Maybe I've got a couple of little brothers or sisters that she wants to bring over here.
Farty wrote: | Reply, be friendly, elicit her present location, then hunt her down and KILL her |
I don't think that's quite legal.
Sir Hamster wrote: | Consider child-bride to be his latest victim.
I agree with the advice not to get upset or start a fight, not because you don't have anything to be mad about (you do), but because there doesn't seem to be any way to win. In fact, it could be that your Dad enjoys upsetting you (it's a power thing) and set up this email contact to do just that. Don't give him what he wants. |
He is a control type person, and child-bride probably is treated with as little respect as my mother was. Whether she takes it or not...I don't know.
Thanks guys. I've been thinking and thinking on this, and I really appreciate your help. I think I'll just wait a couple of days, and email my aunt to see if she was as shocked as I was to get the email. She probably was. Then I'll take it from there and see what happens.
 _________________ My brain hurts.
Jammy's Brain Donor.
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mohrorless Mail Order Goat Bride


Joined: 09 Oct 2006 Posts: 11206 Location: NYC
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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Michelle wrote: | John wrote: | I don't know what has prompted this contact, maybe there is a reason for it. |
That's what I've been thinking too. I tend to worry about things a lot, and I know that my father has not been well for a while. The last time I actually spoke to him was when he rang from my aunt's house about six months ago. He got off the plane and went straight to the hospital because he was coughing up blood. Not good. He's also had liver problems, and then my aunt told me that he was back in September to have a lump cut off and didn't have the radiation treatments he was supposed to have. I don't want to care, because he never cared about us, but I can't help worrying that maybe she wants to have contact with us because he isn't well. Maybe I've got a couple of little brothers or sisters that she wants to bring over here.
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Wow maybe Big sister Michelle!!! Surprise!!! Well, if there are suddenly any younger siblings, get them shrubbing!!!!
Maybe he is not well and this is the only way he can think of to make contact to maybe make up with everyone.
Anyway, DO talk to your Aunt. REMAIN CALM!!!! Don't worry, you are too nice a person to let this get you down.  _________________ Fetch me the Holy Hand Grenade!
Keeper of the Unending keg of PGGBs
Taunter in Training
Campaign Manager for Sir Shrubbery
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Fart in your gen direxion I am the goatse.cx guy


Joined: 24 May 2002 Posts: 2022 Location: Regrettably for you, I'm Upwind in Upstate N.Y.
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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Semi-serious reply: you're under no obligation to respond at all. Just because someone extends their hand in friendship (if that's what it truly is), you don't have to shake it. You decide who you want a relationship with, not them .
Michelle wrote: |
Farty wrote: | Reply, be friendly, elicit her present location, then hunt her down and KILL her |
I don't think that's quite legal. |
Ok, I'll amend my advice and soften it a bit: Reply, be friendly, elicit her present location, then hunt her down and stab her repeatedly with an ice pick, but don't kill her . |
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Sir Hamster of Elderberry KWSN ArchBishop

Joined: 20 May 2002 Posts: 5117 Location: Beer City, Cheese Quadrant
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 5:39 pm Post subject: |
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mohrorless wrote: | Sir Hamster of Elderberry wrote: | In fact, it could be that your Dad enjoys upsetting you (it's a power thing) and set up this email contact to do just that. Don't give him what he wants. |
Interesting perspective. Hadn't thought of that.
... |
I hope I'm being pessimistic, but I know someone who's Ex- is a monster. Sometimes ending the relationship is a good thing.
Michelle wrote: | He is a control type person, and child-bride probably is treated with as little respect as my mother was. Whether she takes it or not...I don't know. |
Would he have married a woman who didn't? (That's a rhetorical question, no answer needed.) |
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Pooh Bear 27 Prince


Joined: 28 Jan 2005 Posts: 1358 Location: Fond du Lac, WI
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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I've been mulling this over for days, because I have had a pretty good family life. My parents are gone for many years and when mom passed dad did take it hard for a while, but found a new friend who was actually older. I was jealous for a little while, but they were just friends and never let it go further than that.
I do have a sibling who has more or less disowned the family. Mostly because of a controlling spouse. I try and avoid hearing anything about this person, and try not to think of them, because of the way we all were treated. Our parents wrote their wills out very badly and left everything to that person, who was supposed to share, but the spouse talked this person out of it, and so the rest of us got nothing. This person's children have suffered, also. Has pretty well has disowned them, too.
I do not know what I would do if I got e-mail from either of them. Probably delete it without reading it, because of the bad way they treated us.
We each must do what we must do. I hope that for your sake, things go well, whatever you decide. |
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jbyram2 Prince


Joined: 23 Jun 2004 Posts: 7129 Location: NMoP EpISdn
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Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:32 am Post subject: |
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Since your Aunt is you fathers sister (I assume she wouldn't write to your mum's sister), she probably knows him as well as anyone. Have a good chat with her about it.
A short email: Thanks for writing. Please don't be upset, but the fact that you are so much younger than I am is really hard for me to handle, so I'd rather not write any more.
A bit blunt, but it's the truth, no? _________________ 0.0 Giggly hertzes Folding!
Go Diskless..Pure computing elegance, no frills
The brain I'm wearing makes me eat chocolate and cry!!
Something Completely different |
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Michelle Moistened Bint

Joined: 28 Oct 2004 Posts: 10233 Location: At my desk
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 8:37 am Post subject: |
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Well, I haven't done anything yet...mainly because I've plumbing problems i.e. a busted water pipe to try to fix without having to call in a plumber. It's only a temporary job but I hope it lasts as long as possible.
John wrote: | Wow maybe Big sister Michelle!!! |
No thanks!! Especially when I'm almost old enough to be the mother of their mother. Maybe a slight exaggeration but it makes my skin crawl.
Farty wrote: | Ok, I'll amend my advice and soften it a bit: Reply, be friendly, elicit her present location, then hunt her down and stab her repeatedly with an ice pick, but don't kill her |
Er...I don't think that's quite legal either, Farty.
Sir Hamster wrote: | I hope I'm being pessimistic, but I know someone who's Ex- is a monster. Sometimes ending the relationship is a good thing. |
I quite agree, Sir Hamster.
Pooh Bear wrote: | I do have a sibling who has more or less disowned the family. Mostly because of a controlling spouse. I try and avoid hearing anything about this person, and try not to think of them, because of the way we all were treated. Our parents wrote their wills out very badly and left everything to that person, who was supposed to share, but the spouse talked this person out of it, and so the rest of us got nothing. This person's children have suffered, also. Has pretty well has disowned them, too.
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It's very sad when something like that happens and totally unfair to the rest of the family. When my grandmother died, her money was divided between her four daughters. There wasn't very much but it was something for my mother and her sisters. My father spent my mother's share, and my mother barely got a cent. When my parents were splitting up, they had to sell the house, pay off the loan and divide what was left between them. My aunt and uncle offered to lend my mother the money to buy out my father's share in the house so that it wouldn't have to be sold. My father refused to do it because...as my mother found out later he was going around telling everyone that he didn't even want her to be left with a pair of underpants. That's disgusting. She worked so hard for so long while he socialised, in all his crazy business schemes he'd start up and that was his attitude.
I never got on well with him...and all that sort of stuff is why I don't have much contact with him now.
My mother didn't stand up to my father until the last year or so before he left.
Pooh Bear, sometimes these things happen and there is not much we can do about it other than let it run its natural course. If your sibling is happy with this person, there's probably not much chance of things changing but if your sibling is unhappy there is always a chance that your family could be reconciled later on.
I hope so for your sake, and their children.
Jams wrote: | Since your Aunt is you fathers sister (I assume she wouldn't write to your mum's sister), she probably knows him as well as anyone. Have a good chat with her about it. |
She does. And she's pretty disgusted with him too. I haven't emailed her yet because I've been busy with other stuff but I'll get onto it soon. His other sister is a different kettle of fish...I like her and get on with her but she is a bit similar to my father in nature and I can't really tell her how I feel because she would probably tell him.
Sorry, that turned into another long post.  _________________ My brain hurts.
Jammy's Brain Donor.
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