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[CJ] Day in the life of Cohiba
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Cohiba
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Location: A tabbaco plantation

PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 7:29 am    Post subject: [CJ] Day in the life of Cohiba Reply with quote

Placing it here because many find my life hillarious.

Had yesterday off from work, great day off, had a job interview that went well, hoping i get it, got a new bed one of them thar fancy select comfort beds. Great day, so whats so funny about it, not much, till about 9pm last night. Wife gets up lets the dog out, since the dog is still new and we don't trust that it won't jump the fence we accompany the dog outside. I hear the wife banging on the window and trying to open, great dog has something or is chasing something. Go to the back window open it and ask what.. Your dog is chasing a skunk, i look to where the dog and skunk are running toward the house.. CRAP, so we both yell at the dog, like it does any good at that point the dogs brain has gone to mush and she's chasing a black and white stripped cat. The amazing part is the skunk hadn't sprayed yet, another reason we wanted to get the dog away from it. I go out the back door as i open the back door, its HELLO MR. SKUNK, i slam the back door but by then its to late, skunk got me and the door. Dog still hasn't gotten it, so he goes in for another pounce/sniff, skunk runs toward the gate, and by this time with me coming out the back door, the dog, the fence its cornered and SPLOOOOSH dog gets it in the face, dog shakes head backs a way a bit a is stunned for second. I manage to grab the dog before it can go back in again. Skunk runs under the fence and away, but not before giving my car a sploosh of skunk for the heck of it, you can't even get within 5 feet of my car this morning without smelling it, smells like i ran over the frigging thing. Ok, we have nothing in the house to deal with skunk, so i grab my keys and am off to the store for some tomato juice. Wife stands out side freezing with the dog to make sure skunk doesn't come back and to make sure she doesn't get back into the house. I come home and procede to stip as much as decently possible, without scaring the neighbors to bad. Douse the dog with tomato juice and procede to scrub it in, tell the wife to get the shower open, and everything out. So the dog has shaken more than once after the liberal dose of tomato juice, so if there had been pictures, it would be cohiba speckeled in tomatoe juice from the dog shaking, and the dog nearly red, can you say texas chain saw masacre? So we get the dog into the house, into the tub and i finish stripping and join the dog in the tub for a rinse off, and another round of tomato sauce. which is easier to work with than juice. By this time, i'm trying not to laugh because i look like i'm some sadistic butcher covered in blood{tomatoes} and the dog look masacred from all the red dripping and running off her. All said and done, dog isn't to bad we can at least have her in the same room with us, hopefully the groomers can do a better job with her today, and hopefully i can get to the car wash and get my car hosed off. But there ya go a typical day in the life of Cohiba.. Murphy's law every day in some way.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 8:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just another day at the Outpost, with your bestest companion and your soul mate. Wink
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The King of Swamp Castle
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is this going to be a daily column? Very Happy


/me grabs his popcorn
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Silly American Kanigit
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Swampy, Get enough popcorn for everyone. These are going to be good stories!
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Michelle
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cohiba, we don't need the telly when we've got you. Laughing
Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow. Pass the popcorn, Swampy.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The next question is, can the Lady Cohiba stand to have you in the same room with her? Wink

Believe it or not, we actually have a thread especially for skunk stories! Very Happy

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jbyram2
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was a good read, though it must have benn awful for the first few minutes...
I was waiting for the part where the dog slipped past you and went for a roll on your new bed though. Glad that didn't happen!!
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Cohiba
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ya know i'd wish it wasn't a every day thing but hey what can i say i live a interesting life, not as funny as yesterday but still interesting. I got sent out on a trade run where we drive a few hours away to go get a vehicle someplace and bring it back, i'm running late, had lots of stuff to do last night, was probably only 3-4 miles from the dealership cell phone goes off, umm yes mr. [censored] you are on becky's contact list for the the house alarm, we show that the the alarm has been tripped. MOTHER F#$%r ok, tell cops it will be a 1/2 hour before i can get there from my current location. In case anyone ever wondered a 2005 Chevy Silverado with a Duramax Deisel engine can exceede 100mph, so can a 2006 Chevy Trailblazer. Come squealing into the parking lot, really fast, got my butt chewed about that this morning. Throw the keys to the manager and briefly tell him i had a burgler alarm going off and i had to leave ASAP. I had managed to get a hold of my wife, why the alarm company couldn't get a hold of her fist is beyond me.. But call the alarm company back saying tell the cops a keyholder will be there sooner, my wife will arrive before me. Ohh and a 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix can do 120mp.. I fly on out to where doggy day care to pick up the dog since wife is heading home. Grab dog who is sooo cute becaues they bathed her for us, and put a cute halloween scarfe on her. As i'm flying home, below the radar and at warp 9. Wife calls me back mind this is is only 15-20 minutes after I had got the first call. I thought the police were suppose to be here, umm they are alarm company told me they were sending them. She walks around the house see's nothing to out of the ordinary, no kicked in doors, no broken windows, so being the independent strong woman she is decides to enter the house. BAD IDEA, always call the cops to escort you in a situation like this. Umm as some of you may have seen in my picts of my house i have swords hanging in various locations, always nice to go stalking through your house with a 5ft broad sword. Wife finds a unlocked window, and the back door unlocked, tell her to hang up, call 911 back and tell the MOFO cop to get his ass back to the house. Apparently if they recieve word saying key holder is going to be over 5-10 minutes away they will make sure scene is secure and leave. Umm yea scene was really secure a unlocked window and door is real secure. Mind this little punk of a cop couldn't be over 27, and looked like qtip since he was bald, started quoting statistics oc how many runs he goes on a week of alarms, and how many B&E's he goes on a year and that most have doors kicked in or windows broke, this is where reason almost went out the window. I have lets say less than angelic teenage years, out of my mouth, starts to come ya know when ever.. {I break in i always looked for the unlocked window or door} thankfully reason kicked in and I kept my sorrid teenage past in the past. But chewed his but for not even check to see if the door is unlocked. A unlocked window not a big deal especialy if its closed, but a unlocked door, most crooks scared by an alarm wouldn't take time to close either, but if the doors and windows are closed chances are neighbors won't hear the alarm and won't go hey i hear something look out the window and see mr burgler running away. Nothing in the house was missing and nothing appeared to even really be mussed up, so we don't know if the cats some how set the alarm off or if someone came in the window and ran through once the alarm went off.

Also dog smells better, i smell better, car smells better, but house still smells of skunk, from not really being able to open the windows and air it out, since its been in the 40's, and this morning was 32, or for michelle 0C...

Next time on a day in the life of cohiba, nothing happens, cohiba kicks back lights up a cohiba and spends a relaxing couple hours smoking..
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe the skunk scared off the burglar???

May the rest of your week be entirely boring!!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 8:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yikes! Did Mrs. Cohiba actually go into the house while the burglar was still in there? Shocked
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Cohiba
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 8:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well she went in and didn't find anything.. So were assuming that the cats somehow set off the alarm, even though they haven't done that in over 2 years. It was at least a quiet weekend, wife was sick, i am getting sick.. But we carved 2 more pumpkins and went on a halloween decoration shopping spree. Halloween my favorite time of year, when i can leave the mask on ..
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

She's mighty lucky the dude didn't knock her over the bloody head. Shocked
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The King of Swamp Castle
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cohiba wrote:
Halloween my favorite time of year, when i can leave the mask off without scaring anyone ..


Fixed.. Cool
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Cohiba
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 9:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Felt like writing this morning tends to be a little therapeutic.

This time on as the Cohiba turns...

As some of you know I'm in the lovely process of getting a divorce. Was blind sidded wife left and filled and doesn't want to work things or even try to work things out. But I continue with the better parts of the storry. If i didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

Shortly after being alerted to my pending divorce, I woke from my coma and said Crud! I started packing and looking for a new habitat. Convinced my parents to come help me move as a lone Cohiba can not move all his junk. As were loading the borrowed trailer, i bring up the plywood for my old water bed frame. I fall biff myself up pretty good on the wood and leave the wood where it fell and go in to rest a minute and get something to drink. Barely through the door and at the fridge, I hear my dad cry out for my step-mom. She runs out the front door. Next thing I hear is her yelling CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE!! i'm like WTF!! I grab the phone and run out the door to see what happened since I didn't think there was anything my dad could have hurt himself on. Apparntly that same wood I had hurt myself on, he tried to load into the trailer. The trailer was an enclosed trailer, can post picts if needed. But he banged his head on the opening being 6'9" forgot to duck. The impact knocked him back, and since there was a ramp to the trailer lost his balance, as his balance isn't that good to begin with from his previous strokes and heart attacks. He fell down the ramp and shattered his wrist. To be gross I've never seen a wrist bend and look like that, hope i never see one again either. So i'm on the phone with the lovely 911 system and tell the 911 operator all the info, she says hang on a second, and transfers me to another dispatcher for the ambulence i'm assuming and I get to repeat everything I just said and answer some questions in triplicate. Meanwhile my dad is sitting on the ground in extreme pain going i can't straighten it. Well DUH pretty sure its broke dad just sit there and don't move. Ambulence finnaly shows up, they splint it pack him up and take him to the hospital. Probably did not need an ambulence for a broken wrist but with his previous heart attacks and strokes we were taking no chances.

Finnaly my step-mom and I arrive to the hospital. As some of you know I live close to the hood, well either hospital he would have been taken to are IN THE HOOD. As were walking into the hospital we see this guy semi walking out the door and BAM face plant to the floor, was just gone, passed out. We walk up to the nurses desk and say umm yea a guy in the entry way just passed out. 3 nurses run out to see whats going on, 1 nurse comes back and goes call security were not dealing with this guy again he's just dead drunk, have them escort him off the property. Nice hopital... So finnaly we get to see my dad he's feeling much better on morphine. But for the next 8 hours we are in emergancy room hell. Because a broken wrist is not a life threatening emergancy the teenage overdose/suicide attemp who's heart stop takes priority. The 3 airlifted trama victims take priority, was wicked to see the gaggle of people and the bed come flying down the hall. So we wait and we wait. Then finnaly the dr comes back in at around 7:30pm and says umm yea sorry for the long wait and tells about the above mentioned set backs. But now she's waiting on her nurse since the nurses are in shift change. Finnaly round 8:30pm we get the nurse and the dr back in to set the wrist and put a semi permanent splint on it. By 10pm we are leaving the hospital, to return to my nearly empty trailer and a house left to move.

Next time on as the Cohiba turns

Who else takes a trip to the emergancy room, does Cohiba get moved before the deadline. Stay tuned and find out.
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Cohiba
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to as the Cohiba turns.. Like sands through an hourglass if this doesn't bore you put you to sleep you need stronger drugs.

Last time on as the Cohiba turns...

Cohiba gets notified his wife wants a divorce. Cohiba begs and is told no and to move out. Cohiba elicits the help of his parents, his dad falls and shatters his wrist. Dad has surgury and ends up with a plate and 13 screws in his wrist.

Fast foward a couple of weeks, since the funtime of getting moved out of my house and packing up all my junk. You do not relise how much crap you have till you have to move it. Threw out tons of stuff, sorry if anyone wanted the windows 95 tips and tricks and the learning Lotus 123 books they are in a landfill somewhere. Called in tons of favors to get me moved out, was amazed that my step-mom and mom were able to not only work in the same house but to work together and quite nicely. Ended up moving back with my parents for the time being as Financialy I can not afford a house/apartment, or much else right now. I ended up having to leave all my pets, tortoises I got a nice deal from the breeder i bought them from, so they got boxed up and shipped overnight to Atlanta Georgia and are enjoying the nice hot humid weather they have been having. However, this weekend I got my baby girl and she is living with me and my parents now. We did not think she would get along with my parents two irish setters but as long as there are no toys or bones for them to fight over things have been ok.

Going back to the tortoises, once the tortoises were packed and gone I was told I needed to remove there pens from my old house. If any of you have seen picts of my old house you will understand this is not some small feat. So I spent the better part of a day ripping and tearing them apart. I wanted to try and save some of the wood as I probably have over $300 in wood for both pens. Figured i would put the wood into my trailblazer with the seats folded down, they've got to fit. WRONG!! Put the longest board in to see if it would fit, put it up on the dashboard, hmm well that sorta looks like it fits its past the plastic lets see if the tailgate shuts. Slowly bring the tailgate down and press to try and see if it latches, i hear a CRACK, look up and see my front window totaly spider webbed. %&@ I just shattered my front windshield. OK so by now i'm hotter than blacktop parkinglot in Arizona. The entire time i was tearing apart the pens I get building up my anger at my ex because of her i'm losing everything. Now not only can I not take the boards but I need a new front windshield. Well needless to say the lumber is still stacked up at my former house and I spent more on a front windshield then i did on the long boards I was trying to salvage.

Fast foward another week. As you know I got custody of my wonderful sweet Siberian Husky, so Saturday I go and get all of her stuff, her food, her crate, her toys. Come home quite tired and get her all settled in, and see my phone on the table thinking I should take that in my bedroom like i normaly do, naaa leave it on the table its late no one is going to call me. I'm sound asleep surpisingly as its quite interesting trying to share a double bed with a 45lb Siberian Husky. My dad knocks on my door and opens it saying your phones going off. Huh?? Look at the clock its 12:20am, he throws me my phone and i look at it, 1 new voice mail, WTF?
I listen to my voicemail, hey this is your wife, i was curious if you left me any ladders, jazzie got out and is up a tree. Umm ok what were you doing at 12:10 that caused the cat to get out. I send her back a text saying umm no i didn't leave any ladders as the ladders are mine and were christmas gifts. Also a bit bitchy since its after midnight and you stupid let the cat out, so its your problem, never mind the fact that it was my cat. So I called Saturday morning, nope cat is still in tree. Well did you try and borrow a ladder from the neighbors? Gave her both our neighbors names that I know have ladders. Umm nope. Ok well keep me informed as i'm sure being a indoor cat and suddenly in the outdoors the cat is freaked and good luck getting the cat if it comes down. Sunday evening I call to see if the cat was still in the tree and if yes you want me to come over and get cat out of tree. Finnaly calls back at almost 8pm. Yea come get the cat ok.. Suprised that i could fit a 8ft extension ladder in my trailblazer but not the lumber. Drive the 30 miles that now seperates us, and unload the ladder. Hmm i should be able to reach the cat she's not that horribly high up. Extend the ladder up into the tree, DAMN!, i'm 3 feet short. Ok, well lean the ladder against the main trunk and see if i can reach the branch she's on. Climb up and here's where things start to go wrong, very very wrong. Can reach the branch. Ok, cats comming down, grab hold of the branch with two hands and shake vigorously trying to knock cat off branch and out of tree to wife below with large blanket. Cat jumps over my head to the main trunk and starts climbing. Grab after cat and miss only grabbing tail. Now mind you we nick name this cat talons of death due to how long her nails are. So i have a cats tail and she's dug in good and still climbing while hissing, moewing at me. Well crap now she's really up there way beyond the reach of my ladder, i contemplate climbing the tree and step off the ladder umm no don't think so my 250lb but shouldn't even be up here. So i holler down to the wife to pass something at i can poke at the cat and maybe get her out on a weak branch so she falls off again down into the waiting arms of my wife. Well i'm poking at her and she keeps climbing, now she is at the very very top of the tree holding on for dear life, at this point I do NOT know what happend, but suddenly the ladder was no longer there and i'm falling through the air. I grab for tree braches, the main trunk anything to stop my fall, manage to fall into the main trunk of the tree and half on the ladder. Ok ok i'm alive i didn't hit the ground but man something hurts and it hurts bad. get off the ladder onto the branch to try and survey the damage, the ladder is barely on the tree and has fell about 6-8 feet. Wife like are you ok, umm NO!! takes the ladder and moves it by this time a concerned neighbor who heard the crack and my explatives comes over, i'm like put the ladder back against the tree so I can get DOWN!! Make my way down and immediatly sit down to survey the damage. I have huge long scrapes down both arms, My left shin has a indentation from the ladder wrung i landed on, and is turning a nice shade of blue already. Then i realise i'm bleeding quite nicely from my one arm and from my shin. Umm ok this is not good. Wife goes in brings me a barely damp was cloth, and brings the bandages with her. So there ends another thrilling Cohiba adventure..

Leg is not broke, really really bruised but not broke. Have scratches down both arms, down my side and a wicked bruise across my back where i hit something.

Also that night my siberian is use to sleeping with us, and even though we've tried she has bad seperation anxiety and hates being alone in her kennel, but due to my injuries I really didn't want her in bed with me. So after an hour of listening to her whine howl and wooowooowoo{siberian owners will understand} I let her out, so i'm sharing a double bed with a 45lb siberian husky and my bruised and battered body... Talk about a rough nights sleep.

Next time on as the Cohiba turns..

Does Cohiba divorce become final and how screwed is he?
Does anyone else require a trip to the emergancy room?
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 12:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ouch, ouch, and OUCH! Sad

Falling out of the tree must have hurt too.
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Michelle
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy mackerel, you are really going to need a holiday in the near future. Shocked

Things will get better.
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Cohiba
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 2:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Update :

Probably the last day in the life of Cohiba for a while..

But divorce is done, i'm officially a single man agian.. Women back off i'm not dating for while been there done that, not ready.

How'd i make out you ask.. Hmm lets see house appraised for 72,500 owed 61,000, got offered 2,500 was tired of fighting and lawyer fee's pilling up so I took 2,500 and ran. I get to keep everything that is in my possession at time of finnalization. Didn't get any spousal support and thankfully don't have to pay any either.

What i've lost..

Both my cats, they have gone to new homes or to the local animal shelter to probably be put to sleep. My tortoises, as I lack the room for them and can't see myself having enough room anytime soon especialy since I got the dog. Some tools, some power equipment {damn i'm gonna miss that snowblower}.


But all in all i think i came out ok, could have been better, could have been a LOT worse.. But i'm free and time to move on.. Anyone know of any good systems administrator or security specialist jobs south of the mason dixon line? Would love to move somewhere warm.
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 3:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You just broke my heart, I was waiting with baited breath for your divorce, so you could come take me away. Now I will go to my room and cry.

Glad you didn't get taken to the cleaners and at least you have your fur baby.

I'm sending you a PM.
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

I hope your luck changes (and soon)! I don't even know what to say (a rarity for me).

Good luck. (I will attempt to say something comforting here - please take it that way!) Maybe this is can be a new start for you. Hopefully you will only have good luck from now on!
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